If a comedian tells a joke that you find funny, you laugh. If he tells a joke you do not find funny, don't laugh. Or you could possibly go as far as groaning or rolling your eyes. Then you wait for his next joke; if that's funny, then you laugh. If it's not, you don't laugh - or at very worst, you can leave quietly.

I have always felt comedy and tragedy are roommates. If you look up comedy and tragedy, you will find a very old picture of two masks. One mask is tragedy. It looks like it's crying. The other mask is comedy. It looks like it's laughing. Nowadays, we would say, 'How tasteless and insensitive. A comedy mask is laughing at a tragedy mask.'

I’m terrible when I have to fill up free time. My days, if I’m not working, I wake up and figure out a way to kill time until it’s time to go to sleep.

R2D2 has gotten more work since “Star Wars” than Carrie Fisher.

I’m one of those people, in any country I’m in, if somebody could just put me in a car or a bus, I’ll look out the window and say, ‘OK, there’s the Tower of London, there’s Buckingham Palace, there’s Big Ben,’ and if it all takes about five minutes, perfect. I’ve seen all of it and I can go home.

I guess if they ever do a remake of ‘Sophie’s Choice,’ I could play the Meryl Streep part. I’ve got to work on my Polish accent. Maybe I’ll be the definitive King Lear one day. You know, if they ever feel that King Lear should be more Jewy.

A lot of people who claim they’re political comedians are just comedians who have opinions. But they stop being funny the minute they give their opinions.

If someone says that I’m the best at anything, I always just agree with them. I’m certainly not gonna argue.

The ‘Phoenix Sun’ did a list of the unsexiest men in the world, and I made it to number one. I beat out Bin Laden. He’s a terrorist, hasn’t bathed in months. I beat him out. To me it was a great honor.

Back when Jerry Seinfeld was just another comedian hanging around the clubs, I’d imitate him to amuse myself and the other comics. The club owners would say, ‘What are you doing that for? Nobody knows him.’